Happy Holidays my little cock gobblers , we are once again at that time of year when we can all put our issues to rest, pick up the bottle, and fuck. Nothing warms this simple country girl's loins more then some good ole' fashioned holiday trash and slash flicks,oh and spiked egg nog. Below you can wallow in the filth that is my annual must see list of holiday trash. Some films may be omitted that are considered genre holiday classics but they lack that spark of smut that really yanks my cherry loose, so fucking deal with it. ENJOY!
1.) I am going to get A LOT of shit for this one, but what can I say ? I just prefer
the Glen Morgan 2006 remake of Black X-Mas to Bob Clark's original 1974 film. There is no denying that Bob Clark's film is a masterpiece of suspense and has laid the template for millions upon millions of films after it , it's just not nasty enough for this old cow ( drunk Margot Kidder aside). Glen Morgan accomplished what many have set out to do with his reworking of this holiday slasher favorite , a remake that paid tribute to the original but also decided to go down it's own path, and what a glorious path it is. Black X-Mas 2006 has the balls to pack a lot of nasty shit into it's 94min run time.
We are given the usual set up , beautiful girls at a sorority on Christmas receive nasty phone calls from an unknown source. Girl's freak out , drink , fight , and are murdered in various and sometimes very inspired fashion. Nothing new here. It is the back story given the central villain that had my panties all tangled up in anticipation. Check it. In the 70's , young Billy is born with a liver disease that causes his skin to cast a yellow pigment and his mother rejects him as a son for most of his childhood. Some of the best dialogue ensues:
Young Billy : Mommy when do you think Santa will be here ?
Fucked Up Mother: Santa was shot down by the Marines, Santa is DEAD!
HAHA! Now that may not be verbatim what is said, but you get the picture. Later Billy witnesses his Father's brutal murder by his mother and her new boyfriend, and is locked in the attic alone for his entire childhood. One Christmas Eve new daddy seems to have whisky dick from sippin on the holiday sauce a little too much , and dammit Mama wants to FUCK! , so naturally she crawls into the attic and straddles her 13 year old son like a cowboy riding bareback. 9 months later baby girl Agnes is born. During Christmas , Billy escapes his imprisonment and brutally kills his Mother and Stepfather, using his mother's skin as the basis for some Christmas cookies that he eagerly munches on as he is hauled off to a mental institution. I'm sure you can surmise what happens several years later on Christmas eve, right ?
Glen Morgan has crafted a film that stands head and shoulders above most modern horror films in sheer audacity alone , i.e. incest , cannibalism , an obsession with eyeball removal, add to the mix a genuine mood of holiday festivities. VOILA. Trashy , nasty , and oh sooooooooo good. Kind of like a Christmas cookie, EAT IT UP!
MOMMY DEAREST
2.) The most well known of the holiday slasher flick is still one of the sleaziest and deranged of the lot. Silent Night , Deadly Night was one of the most controversial films of the 1980's because the killer is dressed as Santa and is featured with an ax on prominently on the ads and posters. Those nasty old cunts at the PTA fought to have the film yanked from it's
initial release, and was seriously shit on by all major critics:
Silent Night, Deadly Night is actually a very well done and sleazy little Christmas treat that lives up to the hype that surrounds it , for once. We have the story of Billy a very normal young boy who takes a trip to visit one of the creepiest grandparents in screen history one Christmas eve. While Billy's parents are out of the room Grandpa treats him to his version of the myth of Santa Claus, lets just say the outcome is less than pleasant for the young lad. On the way home that evening Billy and his family are attacked by a maniac dressed as jolly old St. Nick , as Billy watches from a ditch in horror his mother is sexually assaulted by the crazed man.
Needless to say,this event causes the young lad a bit of stress over the years, his fear
of Santa and obsession with punishment is further fueled by a sadistic nun at the orphange\
he now calls home. When Billy reaches the age of 21 he accepts a job in a local department
store as a stock boy and is eventually forced to don the Santa outfit as a favor to his boss. On Christmas eve Billy comes upon one of his female co workers being raped which stirs up long dormant visions of his mother's assault and murder, sending our young Billy into a frenzy of slaughter and holiday madness.
Silent Night, Deadly Night is a film which has stood the test of time, not only is it an effective slice of slasher entertainment , it also includes enough gore and sleazy moments to satisfy the sick fucks in us all. Who can forget the sight of a naked woman speared on a set o deer antlers on the wall ? A child beheaded by a sled ? Check , and check. Yes my babies this one has it all. Add to the mix an uncomfortable sexual/religious angle that really hits the catholic church right in the balls. BAM !!You have one of the best ( if not the best) holiday themed slasher films around.
3.) Where to begin ? Elves is pretty much where it all started for me folks. Rated PG-13 by a very confused MPAA , Elves was given to me at a very tender ( i.e. perfect) age. All the Christmas smut begins when teenager Kristen slices her hand on a piece of glass during an " Anti Christmas ( dyke feminist) ritual " deep in the woods, her blood awakens an evil Nazi Christmas elf. The elf is the main character in a modern day plot to bring about the master race that dear old Hitler always dreamed of. Our dear heroin is also a very important piece in the puzzle as she is the last remaining in a pure blood Aryan race. How you may ask ? Well you see Kristen's Grandfather fucked her mother ( his daughter) to ensure that the bloodline stay pure and un tainted. Man , that's what I call dedication to the cause.
If this all sounds more than a little fucked up and wrong, it is , the rest of the film continues on a dizzy spiral of smut and sleaze until it comes screaming to a hideously joyous conclusion. Wanna see a department store Santa get his balls hacked off by an evil Nazi elf ? DONE ! Want to see a loving mother drown the family house cat in a toilet as a form of punishment ? Here it is. Haven't you always wanted to see a 13 year old boy peep on his sister in the shower and refer to her as having " big fucking tits " ? You got it honey.
Throw in Grizzly Adams himself ( Dan Haggerty ) slumming it up as an ex alcoholic cop turned department store Santa , and a generous helping of tits and gore. VOILA !! A holiday tradition is born. Elves is truly gonzo low budget entertainment that is sure to warm your stocking this holiday season. SEE IT !!!!!
4.) Holiday creepers don't get much better than this my babies. There isn't alot that can be said about this flick that isn't painfully obvious from the front cover. Serial killer is transformed into a giant killer snowman when his prison bus collides with a truck carrying toxic chemicals. Serial killer returns to the town that he was arrested in to exact bloody revenge against the sheriff that put him away. Simple story , BRILLIANT execution. British playwright turned director Michael Cooney ( writer of the John Cusack shocker Identity ) has a ball with his low budget , using his limited means to maximum effect. It really is hard to describe just how giddy this little stocking stuffer makes me feel , so below I have created a list of highlights from the film.
1.) You get to see Shannon Elizabeth ( American Pie ) early in her career carrot raped by a giant horny killer snowman!
2.) The snow appear to be of the Styrofoam variety rather than that of water.
3.) It is suppose to be a hellacious winter in the film , however you never see any breath escape the actors mouths. Wind howls in the background but doesn't seem to move anything onscreen
4.) A snowman with no legs seems to be able to operate a motor vehicle with both ease and accuracy.
5.) It is definitely safe for anyone to roll around in a giant vat of anti freeze for long periods of time without any harm coming to them.
All in all it's best to experience the sheer genius behind this holiday classic first hand than read about it from some doped up old cow like me. Grab the kiddies and some anti freeze and have a fucking ball this holiday season.
Christmas Porn!!!
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
A fun and gory little holiday slasher that adds it's own little spin on the classic tale of " pinnochio". Written by
horror favs Brian Yuzna ( Re-animator series) and Michael Kitrosser ( Friday The 13th part 3) Silent Night Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker features ample amounts of gore and sex for all you sickos out there, it also features a sleazy performance by Mickey Rooney ( who protested the first film......... hmmmmmm ? )
This 1991 low budget effort from writers/directors Paul Talbot and Willam Cooke features Gunnar Hansen as a grizzled old drifter who tells four creepy tales to a group of teens deep in the woods. One of the tales involves a douche bag yuppie who is visited by a monstrous Santa " Satan Claus" The film is energetic and fun and puts a nasty spin on the classic tale of " jolly old St. Nick".
Well there you have it folks from my cold dark little heart to yours , HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS. Strap it on , grab that favorite cidar and ENJOY.
What do you say, babies ?
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